However, to that point, I've (consciously) waited more than 45 years, so what's another three months on top of that?
The phone call to the Doctor was oddly anxiety inducing mind you. I think the feeling that you're about to make a major change in your life is bound to create that feeling, it's a milestone marker on a journey really. However, once I got of the phone, with an appointment booked, I did a little happy dance. It's exciting and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders now knowing that this discussion is within my sight. That, alone, is giving a sense of peace that I didn't previously realize that I needed.
So, I also talked to my therapist today as well. Still face to face, but you have to wonder how long before office buildings shutter and not just offices. At any rate, we talked about a number of things, including the now upcoming appointment, my partner, my friend, and so on. We also talked about the process of normalization, getting used to being in your real self, and being confident in that.
Confidence is an interesting thing. I talked about that with my friend who is a bit further along the journey. There's a moment, however it may come about, where it's like a switch goes off in your head and you're just you. I actually had that once, more than 20 years ago, where I would confidently go out as me and I wasn't worried about it. Not really sure how I lost that confidence, but I think I have been getting it back. Just this last weekend, when I got out of the shower, I didn't even think about it as I dressed in jeggings, a cute t-shirt, and sweat shirt. I just did. It wasn't even particularly feminine, though it was feminine, it was just simply a form of creating congruence.
I also shared with my therapist the coming out letter, in draft, that I have been crafting. It's still a draft, and I expect to make a few changes along the way, but she mentioned that it very nearly made her cry. I realized in that moment that the letter I have been preparing for friends and family is very similar to the types of letters I write on Facebook when someone close passes away. There is always a preamble, something that gives my perspective, followed by a poem that I feel captures the essence of that person. This has the same structure, except that I am not in mourning for the passing of what was, but I am recognizing that the past has been a part of structuring who I am and it is going to be left behind as move forward.
Sorry, that's pretty heavy... So...
In lighter news, my partner has taken to using feminine forms with me recently. I haven't asked her to do that, partly because I'm concerned about building a habit that causes a slip before I am ready for it, but I'm also okay with it too. She very rarely uses my first, soon to be dead, name anyways, so I'm happy for the sense of support her terms are giving me. I am a lucky gal. 🥰
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