Turn the Page

Want to know something weird? I've had the song, Turn the Page, by Bob Seger stuck in my head all week.

The song is about life on the road, as a musician, and how it wears and grinds on you, but you still do it. It reminds of my last 25 years and how, this week, I had turned a page in my life.

Make no mistake, I didn't spend 25 years a miserable wreck. I have the love of my life and she has been supportive of my gender journey from the day we met, never trying to steer the direction, but supporting me as I tried to figure out where I was on it.

However, 25 years ago, when I was finally able to start putting a name to what I was feeling, it was a revelation. It was also unbelievably scary with so much myth, bad information, misdirection, and gatekeeping that just as quickly as my egg cracked, I was trying to patch it up. You know, maybe I just needed some clothes? Yeah, yeah, that's the ticket!

Nope, turns out the ticket didn't take me to my destination.

The clothes did help, sometimes, in giving me an opportunity to see, maybe, the person I wanted to be seeing. It didn't last, though. It actually made it just a little more painful. I would stop. I would forget. I would try again. It would be painful. I drink. A lot. More than I want or should, but less than was often necessary.

I'm only 6 days in to HRT. That's not a long time, certainly no outward changes, but there is a sense of peace I am feeling today. I still don't know where this journey is yet going to take me. I have to untangle 25 years of actively fighting myself, and really get to the heart of who I am. Here's the thing, I drank to forget and numb my feelings, but they don't need to be numbed anymore.

There I go, turn the page.