I'm headed towards a merging of the two streams that make up my life and that's really exciting and, admittedly, a little scary. I have mentally moved up my plans to talk to the HR team in my office by a month (January instead of February) and that will also mean planning to talk to my family, both immediate and extended.
Part of that also has been me cleaning up everything from the clothes in my closet (got a lot of space back doing that!) to changing my name and emails on many sites that I am connected to. The process of putting away or fixing elements of my AMAB past has been very cathartic and it feels like weights are lifting and my future is becoming closer and more clear as a result.
Today, though, I also boxed up the past, but this was actually a feminine one, albeit one to help me when dysphoria, and the need to connect, became too much. So, today, I boxed up my breast forms and shapewear. I mean, realistically, those forms won't even properly fit onto me now with my own developments and my body has already begun the process of reshaping in the direction, albeit slowly, that I want it to.
However, what makes this feel significant is that it marks a real passage for me. It marks a passage from when I allowed myself to be convinced that I couldn't truly be trans, because I didn't fit the definition that so many insisted was the One True Trans Way, to now where I know who am I and who I want to be. In the past, not fitting meant that I needed to seek another avenue then and so, yes, I accumulated these accessories to help me feel better from time to time. I don't need them anymore.
At one point this year, when my therapist was spending just a bit too much time talking about clothes and makeup, I pointed out that my sense of self and who I wanted to be was never about the clothes. I had the clothes and I barely wore them over the years. They came out when there was no other way, but I did not spend a lot of time in them. My partner even mentioned, more than once, that she hoped she wasn't the reason I didn't. She wasn't, I was the reason. I didn't wear them a lot because clothing wasn't what I was about and they did little to ease what I was feeling.
So, the breast forms and shapewear I can relegate to the past now, a part of the consequence of an AMAB history. They're "next to skin" items, so I don't know what the donation potential is, but as with my big pile of boy clothes, I will see if there is a way to get them to someone who needs them, but can't afford. I'm hoping the boy stuff does some good, maybe even helps someone get back on their feet. That would make me happy.
Regardless, this does feel like a significant milestone for me.
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