Emotional crashing

I experienced an incredibly strong emotional response today and I am left trying to really understand the origin of it... sharing it helps me think about it.

So, to paint the picture: I used a gift card to purchase a sewing machine from Amazon. The delivery date was supposed to be Dec 20th, but it was not delivered. The delivery is by Amazon, so I reached out to find out what was happening as their "tracking" online is quite useless. I guess, not really to my surprise, talking to Amazon was no more helpful. As I write this, I have no idea when, or if, I am actually going to get the sewing machine I ordered.

In the grand scheme of things, this is a minor thing, but my emotional response was anything but minor. I think there is likely a whole lot of reasons for this, many unrelated, but regardless of that I felt extremely angry, to the point of tears, because of this. That has never happened to me before, ever, that I can recall.

I think a part of it is tied to my own dysphoria. Sewing sits in a realm where it was a skill that I've had a desire to learn at various times, but also one that I felt that I couldn't when I was presenting as male. It's that entirely ridiculous, yet inescapable, fear that you'll be questioned if you have an interest in something that many men see as feminine. You can't escape it when you've been so emotionally tied up in examining every move you make for fear of being "out of gender" in your actions. Transitioning doesn't even change that, it just changes the direction of your fears. 

Yes, it's not logical, I know that. It's all wrapped up in the emotional baggage that is part and parcel of gender dysphoria. Even being conscious of it doesn't prevent it from effecting me, but I am working on it as I go.

So, back to my reaction. It was very, very, intense. Intense to the point where I strongly considered shutting down my Amazon accounts completely out of sheer frustration. In the days leading up to the delivery date, I was getting really excited by the purchase. I've prepared a lot, making sure I had all of the pieces I needed to practice and learn. I was pumped for this. 

The crash really, really, stung.

When you're all prepared to share the excitement only to have it yanked away with a perfunctory, "Oops, our bad, sorry" is when you feel it most. You can't even help it, even when you know it shouldn't be that big a deal.

I hate having these emotional responses in the moment, but I also really am starting to appreciate them. As I find that it's harder for me to bring these response under control, I've also learned to embrace the breadth and depth of the emotional expanse that is available to me. With these strange lows are also some truly amazing highs and so, I guess I will just ride the rollercoaster I seem to be on now and learn to love it.

Also, a nice mug of warm herbal tea helps. 

Also, yes, I'm still very, very, upset at Amazon, but I'll survive.